I wish I was there

Tucson, Arizona

As I sit here on the couch, alone in my Mom's house, I am filled with different emotions: frustration, disappointment, sadness, longing. I had such an amazing time throughout my travels but coming back to the US brought be back to life. Life that I really don't enjoy very much. Frankly, as I'm home, I don't know who will read this blog. Maybe it's just for me to express how I'm feeling and get it out of me. I came home to my Nana -- my Mom's mom -- dying slowly from cancer. She's living with my Mom as she passes her last days. As my Mom and Dad's divorce was finalized several months ago, this was the firs Christmas that was spent with different parents, and of course their respective partners, my mom with her boyfriend and my dad with his girlfriend and four-year-old daughters. I had apparently not fully accepted the divorce thing because I was rather negative and resentful toward my Mom for the first week and a half since I arrived. Now it's been almost two weeks since I returned home and I am ready to leave. I must go back to Los Angeles. I have to get all my junk out of storage and I have my travel video journal to edit. I am looking forward to watching all the footage and putting together a piece. However, if it was possible, I would have prefered to go back to Europe and continue traveling. I miss it. I wish I was there with you, wherever you are as you read this (assuming you are living in Europe). I wish I was still just thinking about the next day or two, buying my train ticket and sending out couchsurfing requests. I wish I was exploring a new city with my daybag stuffed with bread and meat and a few cereal bars. I wish I was sitting in an excited, bustling cafe, sipping a cappucino and trying to understand the conversation I'm having in a foreign language. I wish I was sitting in front of a beautiful monument or park, sketching what I see. I wish I was not here. I wish I didn't have to deal with all the bullshit that I am confronted with in this setting, this environment. I have to admit that this was the first year that Christmas didn't have the magic that it's had since I can remember. It was empty. I felt more Christmas, holiday magic in Madrid than I felt here with my family, opening presents near the colored-light-covered tree. It has been such a disappointment. Not to mention, whether it's because of being on holiday or not, I have been sleeping a ton, and I haven't felt motivated to do the things that I actually want to do, like paint, email new friends from my trip, and go shopping for cool clothes at thrift stores. This holiday season has been the biggest letdown, and the fact that it followed such an unbelivably remarkable experience of traveling and adventuring makes it that much worse. I think I will not be spending much more time here in Tucson, and I don't think I'll return for awhile. And when it comes to Christmas next year, I might just be spending it with friends, away from family.